Friday, May 1, 2015

Body Image

After I had my baby, I rode on this high of positive body image.  My body did that!  My body created life and carried it for nine long months.  It was amazing and I was proud of what I looked like and how I felt.  It was easy not to care when I was at home, on maternity leave, and able to wear whatever I fancied.  But then I had to go back to work and I started to realize that my clothes didn’t fit and I didn’t feel like the person I used to be (as if I could ever really be that person again).  My self-worth and body image took a hit and every single day I am reminded of how uncomfortable I am in my own skin.

In fact, I’m only comfortable when I’m with my baby because then people can look at my body and then my baby and understand why I am the way I am.  But that’s not true either.  I was at least 60 pounds overweight before I even became pregnant with her.  Because of my size, I was recommended to only gain 15-18 pounds for my entire pregnancy.  I gained 45!

This is my journey to not only lose 85 pounds (and treat myself to a shopping spree in NYC) but to finally let go of the image I have in my head of how I’m supposed to look.  My body image needs to be reevaluated and I need to find what true beauty means.  I don’t know what that looks like, but I need to start somewhere and this feels like a good place to do that.

This isn’t just a weight loss blog, but for those who are here for that, I started my journey at 230 pounds two weeks ago.  Today I’m sitting at a 4 pound loss with a long way to go.  I was completely on point tracking my food with the myfitnesspal app but was derailed Thursday for lack of planning.  I woke up late and couldn’t prepare my meals for the day.  I ate out which made my calories too high for lunch.  I tried making up for it with dinner by having a large salad, but by 8:30 I was starving (and munchy) and gave into some chocolate treats.  It wasn’t really a big deal and I knew that I could get back on track today, but I’m a daily weigher and saw the increase this morning.  It set my whole day off by making me feel like a failure.  So much so, that I grabbed a donut for breakfast!  I guess it’s all or nothing for me. This is clearly a one day at a time process.

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