Body Image

After I had my baby, I rode on this high of positive body image.  My body did that!  My body created life and carried it for nine long months.  It was amazing and I was proud of what I looked like and how I felt.  It was easy not to care when I was at home, on maternity leave, and able to wear whatever I fancied.  But then I had to go back to work and I started to realize that my clothes didn’t fit and I didn’t feel like the person I used to be (as if I could ever really be that person again).  My self-worth and body image took a hit and every single day I am reminded of how uncomfortable I am in my own skin.

In fact, I’m only comfortable when I’m with my baby because then people can look at my body and then my baby and understand why I am the way I am.  But that’s not true either.  I was at least 60 pounds overweight before I even became pregnant with her.  Because of my size, I was recommended to only gain 15-18 pounds for my entire pregnancy.  I gained 45!

This is my journey to not only lose 85 pounds (and treat myself to a shopping spree in NYC) but to finally let go of the image I have in my head of how I’m supposed to look.  My body image needs to be reevaluated and I need to find what true beauty means.  I don’t know what that looks like, but I need to start somewhere and this feels like a good place to do that.

This isn’t just a weight loss blog, but for those who are here for that, I started my journey at 230 pounds two weeks ago.  Today I’m sitting at a 4 pound loss with a long way to go.  I was completely on point tracking my food with the myfitnesspal app but was derailed Thursday for lack of planning.  I woke up late and couldn’t prepare my meals for the day.  I ate out which made my calories too high for lunch.  I tried making up for it with dinner by having a large salad, but by 8:30 I was starving (and munchy) and gave into some chocolate treats.  It wasn’t really a big deal and I knew that I could get back on track today, but I’m a daily weigher and saw the increase this morning.  It set my whole day off by making me feel like a failure.  So much so, that I grabbed a donut for breakfast!  I guess it’s all or nothing for me. This is clearly a one day at a time process.

And A Blog Was Born

This blog was born on Christmas Eve, just a week short of welcoming my first daughter into this world, as I pondered my issues surrounding body image and how I did not want to pass my issues onto her.  We live in a world where body image is so skewed and expectations for both male and female bodies are unreal.

  

I have honestly never been satisfied with my own body.  I’m the girl who has purchased every gimmick weight loss trick out there.  I have purchased “miracle” exercise equipment, taken diet pills-including phentermine, joined countless gyms, paid personal trainers, tried Body by Vi and Shakeology, and have counted calories until I’m blue in the face, to name just a few.  Sure I can lose weight and my body has changed from time to time, but I have never been satisfied.

Because my weight has been a constant issue in my life and I am always complaining about it, I realized that I was setting up a negative environment for myself, but especially for my daughter.  I want her to have a healthy and realistic view on her body.  The only way for her to have that is for me to have that.  Thus the blog, a place where I can be held accountable, air my views, and get support or strength from the words that flood the pages.  This blog is not intended to have a large audience, nor is it a way to make a name for myself in the world.  It’s simply a place where I can be real.